Who likes candy?...

You know what I thought would be a great idea?

"Writing about something more substantial than whatever random thought squishes its way into your thin-haired melon?" you might say.

"No" I'd reply. "Absolutely not. For one thing, I'm only 26, you boondoggling cow! And my hair can't be thinning that much" I say as I panic and run my hand over my noticeably thinning scalp. "Another thing: squishes? What the hell do you mean by that? Never in my life have I had a thought and said to myself "Eeeewww, gross, what a uniquely horrible feeling; a squishy thought!" Not once... I'm almost close to 76% sure of it"

No, some time ago, I figured it would be a really good idea to bring about 10 pounds worth of Runts candy home with me from my cousin's house. My cousin works for a vending company and brings all kinds of whatsit home with him. One of the whatsits was a 30 pound box of Runts and he asked if I wanted to take a bunch of them home. Hey, sounds pretty great, right? Free candy! Though my insulin-lacking pancreas pleaded with me as much as it could to think twice about this, I opted instead to accept a heavy duty Ziploc bag full of hard, fruity, brightly colored, chalky-in-the-middle teeth annihilators; easily weighty enough to use in place of sand bags in the back of your truck for more reliable winter traction. Well, as the weeks and weeks have gone by, I realize I still have a few Runts left; probably about 11.5 of the original 10 pounds (yes, I've eaten several handfuls, yet the bag looks heavier and fatter than it did when I brought it home). Not only that, but I've lost any and all interest in the entire amount. So here the bag will remain, gradually getting bigger, laughing more with each mutated, fruity expansion of its volume, and just beginning to learn toddler level threats... but slightly more menacing. "Hwama hwama hwamba he he he" (I picture it having an odd sort of jiggly, girlie, alien muppet type of laugh) "hwama heeePEEEeeeeee! It's a funny for wen you're scared and funny! This times it's good for a times for me... to... gonna beep in owange stobby bobbie.... killer you... STOBBIE BOBBIE!! (roughly translated "beat you with oranges and strawberries... and kill you... STRAWBERRIES) Hwama hwamamama hee PEEEeeee heeeee heeee!"

Well, I suppose I could just get rid of the stupid thing.