Normally I feel safe in my bathroom

I just watched a television commercial. It was for a new shaving system (?) from Gillette; Gillette Fusion Power: Phenom. The first message this commercial sent me was that I need to be very careful about what shaving hardware I use, else I be picked on and assaulted by professional athletes. Tiger Woods and friends are apparently passionate enough about hairless faces that they will not only keep tabs on me while I'm in the bathroom, but also use their golf clubs, tennis rackets, snow shovels, house cats and whatever else to completely demolish the slightly-less-than-Phenom, run-of-the-mill Mach 3 I have, as I'm using it. And do they offer to buy this fancy new shaving gear for me? Or at least lend me their own so I can finish clear-cutting the other side of my face? No... no they don't.

The second thing I guess I was meant to realize was that I should have already been aware of what Phenom is. I don't. I think I saw something orange, glowing and oozing inside the razor, for the brief moment that they actually showed a close-up of it. I thought maybe Phenom's dermal dominance is because it is meant to dissolve through all seven layers of skin, obliterating hair follicles and sizzling on your face, like a snowball in a deep fat fryer. Then I thought "no, that's gross". So I don't know. I'll try to sleep easy, but the thought of a stealthy, adrenaline-fueled kick to the temple from a sweaty soccer player after I take a leak doesn't sit well with me.